Spring 2021 – Helping our first family

The Spring newsletter reflects how family problems and conflicts have changed over time, and what we’ve learned about helping people with their concerns and worries.

Over the past 17 years we at Family Conversations™ have gained experience dealing with a diversity of issues that we help families resolve. While we originally focused on issues devoted to “aging” problems, we’ve realized other family issues are often more intertwined with growing older. We also work with Dakota County, and a 4-county consortium, facilitating cases with children, young adults and their parents. Some of the cases are about grandparents raising grandchildren. Others have to do with adoption and placing children with relatives. Some are even more intense and are focused on substance abuse, violence, and neglect by parents. 

This month we’ll focus on family concerns over a variety of intergenerational issues between grandparents, parents, siblings and young adults. We’ll offer suggestions on how to bring up topics for discussion as we highlight our first case and what we’ve learned since then.     

• In the beginning – Family Conversations™
• How things have changed
• Tips
• How to help your family (and yourself)
• Comment and ask a question

In the Beginning – Family Conversations™

Many years ago, my wife and I were dining at one of our favorite Asian restaurants – True Thai. It’s where Sober Fish is now located, on the corner of 27^th and Franklin in south Minneapolis. We were seated in a separate room, just off the main dining area. Only one other group was in the room.  

Behind us, at a large round table, a group of men and women, maybe in their late 30s to early 50s, were discussing their family’s upsetting issues. Although not eavesdropping, it was impossible to be sitting so close and not overhear most of the conversation.

They gathered on this afternoon to try to figure out what to do with their mom and sister who were living together; both in declining physical and emotional health. This had caused the rest of the family to become worried, frustrated, and at odds with each other.  

During their stay at the restaurant there were discussions, arguments, siblings agreeing and disagreeing with each other, and very little being accomplished. They had differing ideas of what to do, how to help their family, and they seemed at a stalemate.

As we got up to leave, I took two steps over to their table, handed them a brochure and one of our business cards. I said if there was anything we could do to help them, please give us a call. We quickly excused ourselves and left the restaurant. It really felt awkward, and probably looked even more odd. When we got into our car, we laughed out loud at our first, feeble attempt at marketing.

In the mid-90s my wife and I both began working in the field of aging. My background was in conflict resolution and mediation. My wife’s background was in social work. By this time in our lives, we were both professionally and personally dealing with many aging-related family issues, both with our own families, and those of our friends.

We decided to combine our interests and skills into a program we called Family Conversations™.

A few weeks after the restaurant incident we were contacted by the family; they wanted us to intervene. Our first formal adventure began.

We began by explaining what we could do to help their family. Once one of the siblings contacted their mother and sister, got an agreement about holding a meeting out of concern for them, we began to interview each family member. Most of the interviews were in person, and for a few siblings that lived farther away, we talked on the phone.

In-person interviews often took 1-2 hours of discussions, note taking, answering questions and explaining how we believed the meeting could be helpful for their family situation.

Eventually we arranged a time and place to meet that worked for everyone in the family. We got permission to speak with mom’s primary care doctor and brought additional information to the meeting. First, we discussed what brought the family to need to hold this meeting. During this part of the meeting, we discussed all the concerns and obstacles faced by the siblings and their mother. We also offered mom’s doctor’s thoughts and recommendations.

Next, we brainstormed all the possible ideas and solutions the family could think of, as well as roadblocks to the ideas. We dealt with physical and mental health issues, normal routine household tasks, finances, making and keeping appointments, shopping, driving, and family communications. The family figured out solutions and supports to alleviate previous hardships and problems for their mother and sister.

They had not only created a plan they were all happy with, but also created a back-up plan to take care of issues that still might come up in the short term. We wrote up the plan they had created and gave each family a copy. Before we adjourned, we asked if they wanted a follow-up meeting in a month or two to see how their plan was working.

They thanked us for the help and said thought they could handle things from this point forward. We told them they could call us if they wanted any answers to issues if some arose, or for some new ideas. We didn’t hear back from them for many months. Eventually, I got curious and called one of the siblings to see how life was going?

Things had gone well for a time, she said, but reverted to behaviors and issues that they had discussed at the restaurant, and at their meeting. There had been some bumps along the way. They had tried holding their own meeting and it did not go well. Behaviors and conditions returned for mom, even worse than before, both physically and emotionally. Eventually they had to place their mom in a nursing home. What was just as bad was that the siblings were now even more estranged from each other, more than they were a year before when we first met them. This was a family story that didn’t need to end this way.

Could you use some help with a family situation with your parent, older relative, adult child, or grandchildren?  Contact us today for a free consultation.

rich@familyconversations.com or call 952 884-1128.   

Changes from 2000 to 2021

There have been many changes over the past 20 years that are affecting families – some with aging parents, relatives and older adults in general, some with their children. Some changes for the better, some not so much.

On the positive side, there continues to be more research and medical breakthroughs in diseases that impact older adults. More resources have become available for older adults and their families, too.  People are living longer and have more options for housing and transportation than ever before. And as the need for more volunteers increases, older adults are stepping up and stepping in to help.

As more adults join their fellow baby-boomers into retirement and semi-retirement there is additional pressures on families to care for their relatives, even as they care for themselves. Sometimes this is seen as a positive, families becoming closer. Sometimes not so much.

On the negative side, the economy and the pandemic have taken their toll on all families, but especially people who are caring for themselves and their aging family members. Young adults, in increasing numbers, are returning to live with their parents, or even after turning 18, never leaving home at all.

Recently the number of young adults living with their parents, or another relative, has reached more than 20%, nationwide. This means a lot of families are experiencing living in multi-generational homes.

Reasons vary, but for many adult children, the reasons are either economic or personal. It’s often due to loss of a job, a divorce, or being in debt due to credit cards or educational loans. Some reasons may be connected to addiction. For some young adults, it’s the lack of confidence or skills to be out on their own. They hang around, or move back home, to be around their families.

What we’ve noticed, more frequently over the past 10 years, for some parents, their own substance abuse, drug or alcohol use, mental health problems or even violence, means turning over the care of their children to other relatives – often the children’s grandparents.

This might be a time when grandparent’s resources may be at an ebb. It could be their health, finances, energy, or even their ability to keep abreast of current technology and child-rearing capabilities.

“Lives change, families are forever”.

In today’s world, with changing family roles, economic situations and chemical and mental health conditions, many families are stressed. We can help you organize and coordinate a family meeting to discuss many issues and concerns. We facilitate these meetings, take notes, offer suggestions, and help you draw up plans to address your family’s concerns. rich@familyconversations.com or call 952 884-1128.

Tips: 

Q.  How do we even approach the subject, whether it’s with a parent, grandparent, or adult child? They don’t seem to want to talk about it.

A.   For many people just talking about any of these issues may be difficult, or when it was tried before, the discussion made the situation even worse. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might you appreciate about the way someone broaches the subject with you? What if it doesn’t make any sense to you what the other person is saying, how might you be able to hear it?

There are many ways to broach the subject, to “break the ice”. Sometimes sharing your own feelings about a specific situation can help encourage others to talk about issues.

“Mom, I know you’ve always prided yourself on being very independent. It seems to me that it would be difficult for me if I couldn’t drive – if I needed help. How’s that going for you?”

“It looks like things are getting a little more difficult for you and dad?  Is there something we can do together so you won’t be so overwhelmed?”

As the older adult, you might need to take a different approach: “I know I’ve always be able to take care of us, get around to wherever your mom and I need to go, and never want any help, but I’m slowing down and getting overwhelmed. I can’t do all that I used to do. Maybe it’s hard for you to see me this way?” 

Be aware, there may be wide communication gaps between children and parents, relatives, siblings, friends or different cultures. Older adults might not be used to discussing their problems with others, even their children.

How to help your family and yourself

So, you’d like to help your family? Maybe you’ve tried and it hasn’t gone well? Maybe it’s been too uncomfortable to try? Maybe you think others aren’t interested or won’t cooperate? Even if you’ve tried before, try again. 

The first step is sitting down together and discussing the situation. Listening is the second, and most important part of the conversation. Listening to understand. 

If it is too stressful to try and talk about the topics, or when you try to talk with each other the arguments just escalate, try writing a letter (or email) to the other person(s). No blame, no anger, just something that shows you want to find a way to understand each other’s point of view and work together. 

Writing allows you to think about what you want to say, choose the words that fit, and not worry about being interrupted before you finish saying what you want to get out. Is the letter to an older relative? You can talk about what you’ve observed, and how you feel about it. Not necessarily that you’re right and they’re wrong. Explain what your concerns or worries are.

The other person may not see things the same way you do, and maybe feels you, or others, are telling them they are wrong. They may get defensive. When you communicate at first, just talk about what it seems like to you, what things look like, and how it concerns you. That’s all to begin with. You’re just saying how things look to you and how you feel about it.

What you all might do about it comes later. First things first – get the conversation started.   

Also, consider having a neutral person work with your family to give you feedback about what might be helpful in your situation.

Although each person’s goals are probably similar: to reduce stress, have fewer conflicts, communicate more effectively, and just get along, having a neutral person facilitate this meeting can go a long way to discovering ways to bring more harmony to your situation. Everyone’s situation is different because the individuals and their connections are unique.

Some things to think about include: 

• What are our conflicts and stresses about – money, time commitments, privacy, appreciation – and how do I know this?
• What do I want from my adult child, or what do I want from my parent, relative or worker? What do they want from me?
• How have I tried to discuss this, and do I really understand the other person? I don’t have to agree, just understand where they’re coming from, and let the other person know this.
• What can I do to relieve some stress for myself, and for the other person?

And once you think about this, you need to find out if you and other people are concerned about the same things.

Could you use some help with a family situation?  With your parents or an older relative? With your adult children? Contact us today for a free consultation. rich@familyconversations.com or call 952 884-1128.