As parents grow older and start looking forward to a time when they’ll have the house to themselves, what do they do when a child hasn’t left, doesn’t feel prepared to leave, or confident in their abilities to succeed on their own?

Summer 2019 – Youth becoming independent

Transitional Mediation – Youth Transition Conference
Tips and Questions to ask yourself
Tips from others – 15 Life Skills every teen needs to know before leaving home & 25 Things every teen needs to know before leaving home
Comment and/or ask a question

Transitional Mediation – Youth Transition Conferences

Life transitions happen to us all, at different phases of our lives. Elder Mediation, focuses on life changes and transitions in later life. Transitional Mediation focuses on a time much earlier – helping young adults have the support and strengths to leave the nest. This is about helping your sons and daughters, grandchildren, or others gaining their independence.

Initially we held youth conferences for young adults who were expected to be transitioning into more permanent living arrangements as they aged out of the foster care system. More recently we’ve adjusted the Youth Transition Conference model to our Transitional Mediation, youth conferencing model. It’s more in line with recent social trends.

“Child welfare agencies have come to recognize that no youth can truly live “independently” at age 18.” Counselors and psychologists are also seeing adults in their 20s and 30s needing more supports before being ready to become more independent. “… an emphasis is placed not on ‘independence’ but rather on ‘togetherness’ of the people the youth can seek out and rely upon now and in the future. As such, an important part of preparation for youth conferences is helping the youth understand that everyone needs help and support during one time or another in their lives and relying upon others for guidance ultimately strengthens, rather than decreases, their ability to move responsibly into adulthood.”

Tips

Q. “Our child doesn’t seem to have any intension of becoming independent. They don’t seem to have plans for their future. Are they scared of being on their own?”

A. Often, children not only don’t feel ready for life on their own, they realize they don’t have the skills and knowledge to be successful. Or, they’ve tried and failed and returned to the nest. And from Stephen Johnson, March 20, 2019 in Big Think Edge:

Neuroscience research suggests it might be time to rethink our ideas about when exactly a child becomes an adult. Research suggests that most human brains take about 25 years to develop, though these rates can vary among men and women, and among individuals. Although the human brain matures in size during adolescence, important developments within the prefrontal cortex and other regions still take place well into one’s 20s. The findings raise complex ethical questions about the way our criminal justice systems punishes criminals in their late teens and early 20s.

At what age does someone become an adult? Many might say that the 18th birthday marks the transition from childhood to adulthood. After all, that’s the age at which people can typically join the military and become fully independent in the eyes of the law.

But in light of research showing our brains develop gradually over the course of several decades, and at different paces among individuals, should we start rethinking how we categorize children and adults?

“There isn’t a childhood and then an adulthood,” Peter Jones, who works as part of the epiCentre group at Cambridge University, told the BBC. “People are on a pathway, they’re on a trajectory.”

Questions to ask yourself:

How can I get my teenager, or young adult, to explain why they want to remain at home?
How can I help them feel more confident about becoming independent?
How can we talk about knowledge, skills and abilities without causing more stress?
How can our family work together to support their independence and not push them away?

Helpful Tips: For most of us, we’ve grown up hearing that children are adults, ready to be on their own, “free” when they turn 18. Yet, most 18-year-old young adults don’t have the life experiences to live out on their own and be successful. For most of them, school and family life hasn’t adequately prepared young adults. No one can be fully prepared for what lies ahead. Talking things over and working together can give your daughter or son a better chance at success and confidence.

From Self-sufficient Kids: Kerry

15 Life Skills Kids Need Before They Leave Home

These life skills for kids help them grow into confident, self-sufficient adults.

You’ve heard the stories before:

The good student who struggles in college — not with classes, but with living on their own
Highly intelligent adults who somehow don’t know how to budget and wind up deep in debt
Young professionals who let their parents call their boss because they don’t know how to stand up for themselves

As parents, a lot of our focus tends to be on academics – getting kids through school successfully with good grades.

But helping kids learn basic life skills – from doing laundry to managing money to standing up for oneself – can be equally important to our children’s success.

Without many of the skills listed below, even the most well-educated adults will find themselves at a disadvantage in both the workplace and life.

While kids may be able to acquire some of these skills in school (time management) or take classes (cooking or driver’s ed). But a few are more nuanced and require the encouragement and support of a parent.

15 Life Skills for Kids: Essential Skills Every Child Needs Before Leaving Home

Many of these fifteen life skills for kids are second nature to adults. So it can be difficult to remember which skills our kids need to learn before leaving home. This list should help! And it provides links to resources and books to get you started.

1) Understand Money

Want to teach your child a life skill that could literally make or break their success as an adult? Teach them about money.

Other than education, nothing will ensure kids success as an adult than teaching them to be money-savvy. This includes understanding what it takes to manage money, delay gratification, the responsible ways to handle debt, and investing for future goals.

Parents can begin to teach kids about money as soon as they are able to talk. Having conversations with kids about money is proven to be one of the most important ways for kids to learn. When they’re a bit older, letting kids manage money on their own provides hands-on education and will help kids understand how money works and the importance of saving towards a goal.

To read more about teaching kids about money start here:

Everything Your Child Needs to Know About Money Before Leaving Home

This One Skill Could Make or Break Your Kids Adulthood and You Can Teach It To Them

How to Teach Kids Delayed Gratification in a “Buy Now, Pay Later” World

Recommended books:

The Opposite of Spoiled, by Ron Lieber

Make Your Kid a Money Genius, by Beth Koblinger

2) Learning How to Cook

Research shows that people who frequently cook meals at home eat healthier and consume fewer calories than those who cook less. So teaching kids this life skill often means setting them up for a healthier diet in the future.

Plus, home-cooked meals are often less expensive than prepared foods. So adults who know how to cook also have the ability to keep their food budgets in check.

The first step in making kids comfortable in the kitchen is give them safe and easy-to-use tools and gadgets. See 11 Tools That Turn Kids Into Confident Kitchen Helpers for a list of helpful supplies.

Thirty Handmade Days provides some great ideas for how to begin teaching kids to cook in its post, Kids Cooking Camp at Home.

And the online course Kids Cook Real Food – teaches kids all the basic cooking skills they need to become independent chefs and bakers.

Other resources include two popular kids’ cookbooks that incorporate cooking lessons alongside recipes:

Kid Chef: The Foodie Kids Cookbook

Cooking Class: 57 Fun Recipes Kids Will Love to Make and Eat

3) How to be a Self-Starter

Employers complain that recent graduates need step-by-step instructions to complete even the smallest task. Many of these graduates grew up in households where parents managed their schedule and hovered over every task.

Parental involvement is certainly beneficial to some extent. But letting kids experience some independence and letting them figure out a few things out on their own, nurtures feelings of self-esteem that translate into a can-do attitude.

Homework is one of the biggest areas where parents tend to hover. But sometimes it’s tricky to determine when a parent should get involved and when they should back off. This guide by Joanne Nesbitt can help: Helping Kids Become Self-Starters.

The book Can-Do Kids, written by an entrepreneur and a child psychologist, examines what it takes to raise kids who have a self-starter mindset similar to entrepreneurs. (Hint – it’s easier than you’d think!). Read my review of the book here.

4) How to Talk to Strangers

Out in the world on their own, our kids will encounter many strangers – professors, coaches, advisors, landlords, store clerks, managers, and co-workers just to name a few.

Our adult kids need to know how to look these people in the eyes, clearly communicate with them, and possibly even advocate for themselves if need be. But if kids have never been encouraged to speak to strangers on their own – if their parents have always spoken for them – kids’ communication skills will be stilted which could, among other things, come across poorly in a job interview.

And that advice parents give to kids about “not talking to strangers”? Stats show it’s more likely your TV set will fall on your child’s head than a stranger will abduct him or her. Try a different approach that lets kids know that not all strangers are bad. For example, one mom told her kids that if they ever get lost to look for another mom with kids – she’ll be most likely willing to help.

5) How to Independently Manage Time

Let’s face it, there are many adults who could still learn a thing or two about time management. But the more kids understand this life skill before living on their own, the more successful they’ll be.

Managing one’s time is a skill kids need to learn in order to successfully manage a busy college schedule or later assign priority to a variety of work projects.

It might be tempting to simply dictate when kids should do which activities and in what order. But kids will learn best if they’re able to practice time management independently.

Bullet four in this article, Don’t Procrastinate! Teach Your Child Time Management is an especially helpful tip for getting kids to take ownership of their time management.

6) How to Stand Up for Themselves

Adults are often in situations where they have to advocate for themselves. For example, they may need to ask their boss for a raise, let a stranger know they accidentally cut them in line or tell a waiter that their bill is incorrect.

These situations can sometimes be tricky. But imagine if we’d never been given the chance to practice standing up for ourselves – with teachers, coaches or peers?

While it may be tempting at times to speak up and advocate for our kids, this should be the exception, not the rule. Instead, embrace opportunities for kids to take the lead, and stand up for themselves. These moments will help build kids’ confidence and set them up for greater success as adults.

Parents can also coach kids through tricky situations by being willing to listen and offering advice if it’s asked for. Sometimes kids just need to talk about difficult situations in order to figure out the solution on their own. Know too that kids are watching you and taking notes on what you do if the need comes to advocate for yourself.

For more about how parents can help kids stand up for themselves see: How to Help Kids Stand Up for Themselves

Recommended Books:

How to Raise an Adult, by Julie Lythcott-Haims

The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World, by Amy McCready

7) How to Cope with Failure

Failure is tough. And seeing your kids fail? Even tougher.

But as difficult as it is to see our kids make mistakes – failure is full of big lessons.

As Jessica Lahey, author of the book “The Gift of Failure” says, when parents correct their kid’s mistakes, they’re helping in the moment but ultimately doing harm. Kids who have never dealt with failure may be unable to cope when a relationship goes sour or a work project doesn’t pan out.

“All this swooping and fixing make for emotionally, intellectually, and socially handicapped children,” she writes, “unsure of their direction or purpose without an adult on hand to guide them.”

Read more about the importance of letting kids fail here: How to Give Your Child the Gift of Failure

Jessica Lahey’s book The Gift of Failure explains why parents must learn to allow children to experience failure.

8) How to Find a Job

Remember the first time you put together a resume and were confused about all the “rules”? Or those feelings of uncertainty as you walked into your first interview?

There’s a protocol for finding a job and practicing all the steps it takes to land one is a valuable life skill for kids.

Unfortunately, not as many teens are given the opportunity to work a part-time job. Priority is often given to after-school activities and summers filled with sports, classes and volunteer trips.

But as a college admissions officer told Quartz – applicants who hold jobs over the summer are far more enticing than those who volunteer at an orphanage in India or interned on Wall Street.

And there’s no need to wait until kids are teens to introduce them to what it means to work. This resource provides over 90+ ideas on how kids can make money based their different interests: How to Make Money as a Kid

9) How to Do Laundry

To adults, the basic task of doing laundry feels like second nature. After so many years of running the regular wash cycle and pressing high heat on the dryer, it’s difficult to conceive of a time when we didn’t know how to clean clothes.

But doing one’s laundry actually takes a little guidance. And no parent wants their college freshman ridiculed for not knowing how to use a washing machine.

Learn how to teach your kids how to do their laundry in nine simple steps: How to Teach Kids to do Their Laundry Independently.

10) How to Take Care of Their Own Things/Be Organized

It’s common knowledge that staying organized – having everything in its right place – can make people more successful at any given task.

Some kids and adults are naturally organized. But for those who kids aren’t, there are a few things parents can do. Checklists can help kids keep track of tasks that need to be completed. Bins and shelving can keep toys or school work organized. And following routines, such as setting out clothes and packing a school bag the night before, can help forgetfulness.

For more ideas on how to teach kids to be organized see:

25 Moms give tips on how to teach kids to be organized

10 Ways to Help Get Your Child Organized

12 Ways to Develop Your Child’s Organizational Skills

11) How to Clean and Take Care of a House

One of the best ways to teach kids how to clean and take care of a house is through chores. Simply telling kids why it’s important to keep a clean house won’t help them understand the work involved.

And let’s face it – this will pay off for your kids later in life when they have roommates or get married. Because no one wants to live with a slob.

Beyond learning practical tasks such as how to clean a toilet or mop a floor, chores are also shown to help kids academically, emotionally, and professionally. (See How Daily Chores Set Kids Up for Success in Life to learn more)

For information on kids’ chores see:

How to Motivate Kids to do Chores (Without Paying Them!)

13 of the Best Chore Charts for Kids

12) How to Spend Money Wisely

Shopping seems easy enough – go into a store, purchase what you need and leave.

But to spend money wisely, one needs to understand the importance of delayed gratification, saving towards a goal, determining what a good price is for an item, and why it may not make sense to purchase something just because it’s on sale.

Kids can learn these hidden variables in the shopping experience if they are able to manage some money on their own. Some parents may do this with a weekly allowance, while others might choose an allowance for only certain expenditures like clothing.

Here are some other resources to help kids practice shopping and managing money on their own:

How to Teach Kids Delayed Gratification in a “Buy Now, Pay Later” World

13) How to Drive Safely and Take Care of Cars

Even if a teen doesn’t own their own car, it’s a good idea for them to know the basics of car ownership. Such as: how to pump gas, when the oil needs changing, and what to do when you get a flat tire.

Some of these topics will be covered in a driver’s ed class, but some will not. Here are helpful articles to make sure you cover the basics:

10 Things Teens Should Know About Cars and Safety

Basic Car Maintenance Tips for Teens

14) Learn to Swim/Water Safety

Most parents know that learning how to swim is an essential life skill for kids to keeping them safe – especially if they spend any time around water or pools.

But beyond this practical reason, swimming is also a beneficial low-impact sport that can be done throughout one’s lifetime.

Kids can begin to learn how to swim as early as 18 months when, at that point, the idea is to get them comfortable with the water. The easiest way to teach kids to swim is through lessons.

15) Use a Map and Take Public Transportation on Their Own

Not every kid lives in a city, but whenever possible it’s helpful to teach kids how to navigate public transportation on their own. This can be accomplished by getting kids involved when navigating a map. Or having them help figure out which path to follow to get on the right train.

Or you could do as the Japanese do and let your kids go on errands as young as 2 or 3.

But if that’s too young for your taste, it’s still worth considering some of the advantages of letting kids roam safe neighborhoods and cities on their own, as this Atlantic article points out: Let Your Kids Ride the Bus Alone

You May Also Like:

6 Ways to Encourage Self-Sufficiency in Young Children

7 Ways Can Encourage Teens to be Self-Sufficient

10 Life Lessons Kids Need to Experience Before Leaving Home

Other posts you may like:

9 Important 21st Century Life Skills Kids Need But Most Parents Overlook

10 Life Lessons Kids Need to Experience Before Leaving Home

Filed Under: Capable Kids, Independent Kids

Or, From Grown & Flown:

The 25 Things Every Teen Needs to Know Before Leaving Home

by Becky Blades | August 25, 2016

Raising two girls, I have found everything imaginable in the laundry. Except, of course, a cell phone, because that would be attached to a hand or an ear.

During one particular laundry load, at the end of the summer before my firstborn daughter’s high school senior year, it struck me that she would be leaving for college soon. I fretted. I had not prepared her. I had forgotten stuff — like how to check pockets before shoving things in the washer. Clearly, she wasn’t ready.

I know now that this was my pre empty-nest grief talking, but at the time, the thought of all the things she did not know was terrifying.

With only a few months left of having her home, I resolved to collect the things my 18-year-old needed to know, and to find teachable moments to deliver the messages.

What I wish I had told my daughters before they left home.

Alas, I had waited too long: SATs, senior year, and friends on cell phones came first. But the list in my journal became an off-to-college goodbye letter, which then became a book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone: Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening.

If I had to do it all over again, I would start earlier. I would begin every summer schedule, not with camps and tutoring programs, but with laundry lessons and awkward life lectures. I would let my kids roll their eyes and bash me to their friends, but I would make absolutely sure they had a few things sorted out. Starting with the laundry:

25 Things I Wish My Daughters Knew BEFORE Leaving Home

1. Do your laundry or you’ll die alone.

Yes, we’re starting here. Do your laundry regularly. Try every week. Do it before you run out of clean underwear and before you need your favorite jeans. Because when you want your favorite jeans, and only your favorite jeans will do, you will want them clean. You will not want to have the dilemma of choosing between dirty, stinky favorite jeans and jeans that make your butt look (choose one: wide, low, flat, etc.).

Either of these less-than-perfect options will undermine your self-confidence, and you will not have the courage to talk to that cute guy. And then you may never get another chance, and… then comes the dying alone part.

2. Look people in the eye.

(You’ll discover this is hard to do while looking at your phone.)

3. Offer your seat to anyone older or less healthy than you.

And occasionally to someone who made an inappropriate shoe choice.

If I had to do it over again, I would stand firm on critical, basic etiquette:

4. Pocket your cell phone during meals.

If you’re eating alone, it’s your call. But if you are dining with others, your cell is a slap in their face. Even looking at your phone is rude. Turn it off. Don’t answer, if it rings. Put it away.

5. Put your napkin in your lap.

And don’t blow your nose with it. And don’t hide your phone there. No one is falling for it.

I would debunk the myths that the world is serving up:

6. The Tooth Fairy may still come.

Even though you think you have a lot of things figured out, don’t give up on magic. If you lose a tooth late in life, for whatever reason, put it under your pillow.

7. Multi-tasking doesn’t always save you time.

8. Profanity doesn’t make you sound more dramatic or serious.

It just makes you sound #!%*ing profane.

I would not be afraid to talk about the scary things:

9. A friend who is mad at you for taking her car keys is better than a dead friend.

10. Birth control doesn’t work 100 percent of the time.

11. Never put anything on the Internet that you would not want to discuss

in a job interview
on a first date
with your mother

On the way to teaching them what to fear, I would work every day to assure my daughters that it’s all really OK:

12. Everyone feels like a fake.

Except the real fakes.

13. Don’t worry about mastering parallel parking.

They are designing cars that will do it for you.

14. It’s OK to outgrow your dreams.

The dream house of your childhood would not hold your wardrobe today. And the dream job of today may come to feel like a prison sentence tomorrow. What you hope and work for will change as you do, so don’t hold too tight to resolutions you may have outgrown.

The true longings of your heart — to flourish, to love, to explore, to create — will always be part of you. Grip them loosely, and they will float along beside you, just far enough out of reach to keep you interested.

And yes, I would spend more time on sorting and settings and such. Because growing up is all about knowing the difference:

15. Know who your friends are.

16. Know who your friends AREN’T.

17. Know the difference between collecting and hoarding.

18. Honor your fear.

It may be trying to tell you something.

19. Don’t be paranoid.

20. If you’re flirting with everyone, you’re flirting with no one.

And you’re probably embarrassing yourself.

21. Don’t joke in the security line at the airport.

22. But try to find humor everywhere else.

Because the things that go without saying… well, they really don’t.

23. Don’t wad up your clothes.

Some morning, today’s dirty shirt or sweater will be your cleanest option, and you’ll want to tell yourself that you can wear it and no one will be the wiser. You might get away with it, if it has not been smashed under a wet towel for two days.

24. Lint is never in style.

25. Even sloppy people like neat roommates.

Sad, but true. Pick up your stuff.

My youngest daughter has just begun her third year of college, and evidence shows I’ve done a pretty good job. I would like to turn back the clock for a lot of reasons. Certainly, I would not have waited so long to look through the laundry for parenting wisdom.

No matter how young or old our children are, the laundry is rich with memories and metaphors. Because like parenting itself, laundry is inescapable, repetitive, and never really finished.

Becky Blades is an author, artist, and mother of two nearly grown and flown daughters. She lives in Kansas City, Missouri, with her husband of 33 years and her Maytag front loading washing machine.

Parts of this article are from her book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone.
Follow Becky on Twitter and Facebook.

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Email: rich@familyconversations.com