Q and A for Adult Children

Q. Mom and dad need more day-to-day help.

A. They don’t want to be a burden, so they don’t tell us what’s really going on. They say they don’t need our help. They also say they don’t want strangers in their home. They worry about the costs.

Questions to ask yourself: What am I worried about? Do they want or need help, and what kind? Who can help, and in what ways? How can we make it happen?

Tips: Tell them what you’re worried about. For example, "I’m concerned about you falling down the stairs." Take some time to write down what you’re worried about. Set aside some time to discuss this with them, and then listen to them, really listen.

Q. My dad’s driving is getting worse, even dangerous, and he refuses to give up his car.

A. Freedom is closely tied with a car and driving. Losing the ability to drive is seen as a loss of independence. It’s easier for others to see a diminishment in driving abilities.

Questions to ask yourself: Is there something getting in the way of him seeing this? How can we help him see this? How can my mom and dad get around and go to the places they need to for shopping, entertainment, and maintain some independence?

Tips: Sitting down with dad (or mom) and explaining your concern for their safety, and the safety of others is a first step. But what if the driver says they are driving just fine. How about an independent evaluation? There are organizations that will evaluate a person’s driving skills and road safety.

Q. Their house is too much for them take care of, and they don’t want to move out.

A. What is the attachment for some people to a particular house or apartment? For many older adults it’s just that this home is familiar and comfortable. They don’t notice the decline in cleanliness or the safety hazards.

They may be afraid of moving to an unfamiliar area, making new friends, learning where to shop and how to get around. They may be afraid of the financial impact of uprooting themselves.

Questions to ask yourself: Why do they want to stay in this home? What needs to be done so they can stay in their house? If it makes sense for them to move out, what are their fears? Are there suitable places for them to live?

Tips: Look for local services that will allow them to stay put for as long as possible. Begin discussing possible future alternatives. How can family and friends pitch in?

Q. My parents need to see a doctor, but are resistant to going.

A. There are many reasons doctors older adults are reluctant to see a doctor. Some of this reluctance stems from the belief that doctors are authority figures and are not to be
questioned. It might be about the fear of what the exam might reveal, embarrassed to discuss certain problems, money and paying for medical help, afraid they will seem dumb, or doctors will talk over their heads and they won’t understand what’s being said.

Many older adults will go, but then don’t ask questions, not fully understand what is going on, or what the options are. Some members of the health care and medical community are learning to use more "patient-friendly" language, especially with older patients.

Questions to ask yourself: What makes you think your mom, dad or another relative needs to see a doctor? What concerns do your family members have about health care/ What are the reasons for them to stay away – financial, fear of what they may be told, lack of understanding about their condition, pain? Are there things that can be done to help alleviate these fears?

Tips: Offer to go with them to take notes and ask questions when they go to the doctor’s office. Suggest some other alternatives; find a new doctor for them; find some local facilities to visit together to see what they are like.

Q. Our family argues all the time about how to take care of mom and dad

A. Often, when families have to take care of aging parents or other relatives, the burden falls disproportionately on the person or people who live closest. It is easy to see different solutions to family concerns. And everyone may not even agree on which issues are most important enough to be concerned about. Most issues are rarely black or white.

Most people truly want to do what helps. Trying to figure that all out may cause even more stress for family members, including the relatives you’re trying to care for.

Questions to ask yourself: What needs to be done – what help do the relatives need? What help do they want? How have I determined this? What are the arguments about – money, time commitments, appreciation?

Tips: Talk with siblings or other relatives and discuss your concerns. Have an outside neutral person work with you to decide what is necessary to help your situation. Get a commitments to work together to, 1) take care of mom and dad (or another relative), and 2) work out family squabbles separately.

Q. My mom insists on taking care of dad, but she isn’t able to and they are both getting worse.

A. Your parents have been together for a long time; they have their routines. They’ve always been able to take care of each other. Mom’s health is slipping and she’s struggling to take care of dad. He needs help getting up from his chair and bed, and she isn’t as strong as she used to be. When you’ve talked to them about getting some help, they say everything’s OK.

Questions to ask yourself: What are your concerns for each of them? How do they see your concerns? Is there someone else, an unbiased observer, who could assess the situation and make some suggestions? Are your parents up for such a thing, and if so, where could you find this person?

Tips: Try to locate someone (professional) to help with this assessment if they are OK with it. Try to think of someone they might consider talking with – their doctor, a close friend, another relative – if you sense they might consider this option. Have a contingency plan if they refuse help, and then something happens to mom.

Q. My dad’s having trouble managing family finances.

A. The little things that were routine for him – paying bills, balancing the checkbook, making sound financial decisions – are coming undone. When we’ve gone over we notice mail unopened, and new things lying around. When we question him about this, or about some of the expenses they have incurred they say it’s none of our business. They’ve always taken care of their finances.

Questions to ask: What’s causing the specific problems? Are they physical – not being able to write the checks? Are they not able to remember to do things – pay bills on time? Getting taken advantage of by strangers? Is it a hearing problem – talking to people and understanding things?

Tips: Find ways to allow parents to keep control of their money, while still helping. Ask if they really would be more comfortable with someone taking over some part of their finances. Ask them to give you "power of attorney" so you can help them with finances – if they are comfortable with that.

FAQ for Older Adults/Seniors